Drama Queen/Transcript

[theme song]

Garth Bernstein: "Um, avast scalawag. I'm, um, Swash Buckler, scourge of the Seven Seas."

Actor: "Avast scalawag... I'm swashbuckler scourge of the sev--"

Zee: Swash Buckler, not swashbuckler!

Actor: Oh... I don't get it.

Barry Allen: So, yeah like, um... go ahead and avast, Mr. Scalawag, 'cause I'm, like, Swash Buckler, the scourge of the Seven Seas and stuff, and...

Zee: [yells] Read the lines, Hal!

Hal Jordan: Oh, right. Uh... "Swash Buckler enters stage right. He stands upon the deck of the..."

Zee: [frustrated] Next! Ugh. This is a disaster, Karen. Swash Buckler of the Seven Seas could be the best play I've ever done! The costumes are hand-sewn, soaked in saltwater for authenticity... the Impolite Minnow is the most ambitious set in Metropolis High history! And the finest most gifted actor ever to grace this stage will play Lady Catherine.

Karen: But I thought you were playing Lady Catherine!

Zee: Look, the point is, none of this matters if I can't find the right actor to play Swash Buckler! [sighs in exasperation]

Oliver Queen: Greetings, company! [in accent] Stage role. Your leading man has arrived.

Zee: [softly] Oh, no.

Oliver Queen: The name is Oliver Queen. I've portrayed everyone from the Phantom to the Streetcar. Lois Lane of the Daily Planetoid has called my performances "bold," "brash," and "bang on the beam," which I assume means good. So... do you want to go through with this charade of me auditioning or shall we proceed to dress rehearsal?

Karen: [whispers] I dunno Zee, Oliver seems pretty perfect.

Zee: Uh, I hate to admit it... I mean, really hate to admit it, but--

Mortimer Drake: [in distance] "Avast, ye scalawags!"

[heroic music plays]

[crowd chattering]

Oliver Queen: [groan]

Mortimer Drake: "I am Swash Buckler, scourge of the Seven Seas! Look not to this coward for salvation! With Swash Buckler at the helm, the horizon holds treasures to last to your dying days! There's no chains to hold you now, men!"

[all cheering]

Mortimer Drake: "Fill the sails with freedom's wind! And throw that bloated symbol of yesteryear to the sharks!"

All except Oliver Queen: Yeah!

Oliver Queen: Put me down! What are you doing? [scream]

Mortimer Drake: Ha-ha!

Zee: Who are you, stranger?

Mortimer Drake: Who am I? Why, I'm your new Swash Buckler, m'lady!

Oliver Queen: No you're not, sir! Put me down! You're not seriously considering this hack, are you? [gasp] You are! You are, aren't you! Look at me!

Zee: [whispers] What do I do, Karen? A second ago I didn't have a Swash Buckler and now I've got two!

Karen: Maybe you should do callbacks and then decide!

Zee: Hmm. Oliver would hate that...

Oliver Queen: Callbacks?! Ha! I've never been so insulted in my life. Who is this arrogant, incompetent, pompous--

Karen: Mortimer... Drake. And, um, don't be so hard on Zee. She's just trying to make sure the right person gets the role, you know.

Oliver Queen: As she should! As long as it's me.

Mortimer Drake: "Dawn breaks in the west tonight, men. The laws of this mortal world no longer bind us! We are here to brave the sirens and sea herself..."

Oliver Queen: Time to push this pointless competition over the tipping... point.

Mortimer Drake: "...sailors on eternity's tides. So come on girl, listen to me, uh huh, uh-huh.. Baby, baby, oh, can't you see? [stuttering] That me plus you... equals love that's...

[Karen]

"True!"

Zee: Are those... Up Past 8 lyrics? Thank you, I've heard enough.

Mortimer Drake: [stuttering] But.. but...

Zee: I take the theater very seriously, sir! Perhaps as Oliver's understudy you'll see that there's no room for these sorts of sophomoric jokes on my stage!

Mortimer Drake: Of course. I respect your decision. The important thing is that the right person gets the role.

Oliver Queen: [cunning laugh]

Zee: "Ready the Impolite Minnow. My uncle will rue the day he crossed me."

Oliver Queen: "Of course, Lady Catherine. We'll reach the channel by sundown... and my men shall--" [scream]

[instrumental music]

[squeaking]

[tense music]

[fire] [thud]

Oliver Queen: You! I'm warning you, Drake. No funny business tonight.

Mortimer Drake: I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about, Queen.

Oliver Queen: Oh, you know perfectly well what I'm talking about! You've been trying to sabotage me ever since I... sabotaged you in callbacks! Well I know your game, Drake.

Zee: Wait. You sabotaged his audition??

Oliver Queen: Of course! The best person had to have a role!

Zee: I... agree. So YOU will be playing Swash Buckler tonight.

Oliver Queen: What!?

Zee: I need a leading man with character, which you clearly don't have. Sabotaging a rival, why, it's an insult to the theater!

Mortimer Drake: Thanks for the opportunity.

Karen: Sorry, Oliver. But, um, look at it this way. Now you'll have a chance to redeem yourself. You know, to be the bigger man! Maybe you lost the part, but you can gain something even better! Your integrity. You can stand up and say, "I did wrong and I accept the consequences."

Oliver Queen: No, that doesn't sound like me. I'm gonna go trash his dressing room instead! AAH!! Hmm? Ha, a fifth-grade production of the Three Musketeers? Psh! How cliche!